I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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