really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
