Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
