You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
