I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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