There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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