I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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