TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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