you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
