Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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