I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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