Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
