how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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