so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
