The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
