I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
