the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
