Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
