she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
