I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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