considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
