If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
