I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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