god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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