Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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