Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Green mimosas i think yes
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
