Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
