counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
