so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
