It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
