Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize