when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
