planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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