im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
