Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
