I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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