It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
