Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
