Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Randomize
