Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
