Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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