Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
