OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
