oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Be still, my beating vagina.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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