OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
