Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I smell like Dick and happiness
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
