There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
