Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize