dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
