I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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