im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
