Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize