Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
