If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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