just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
