just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
