I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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