the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize