I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
