Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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