We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
