my mouth tastes like poor choices
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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