I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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