yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
