Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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