so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
