it was like his penis was on wheels.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
