I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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